It is 2:24 AM, 18 pages into my senior thesis, yet I feel compelled to write in here for the first time in what feels like a very, very long while. I’ve been sleeping no earlier than 4 o’clock every night these days, studying for my finals or hanging out with friends, and I can’t lie and say that I hate it, because I actually don’t really mind it for now. I hate laying in bed at 11 PM or so, trying to make my brain shut down so I can go to sleep. The insomniac in me goes wild and the superstitious side in me panics if I somehow wake up at 3-something. But anyway, I think writing this post is a way for me to escape the stressors in my life for a little while. There has been a lot going on in my head, a whole lot of sorting out and sifting through the negativity, and I’m just trying to find my way out because I have never failed to do so in the past. I always manage to get through all the crap, pardon my language. No matter my emotional or mental state, I never forget to be grateful for the simple fact that I am alive and well.
Super random fact: when I like a song, I set it on repeat for about two weeks until I can’t stand it anymore. It’s not a new song or anything, but I’ve been playing “Come and See Me” by PARTYNEXTDOOR nonstop. Maybe it’s because it features Drake and I love him with all my heart, even if they think he is a fruitcake. But it is mostly because of this one particular line: “I hear you talkin’ ’bout we a lot, oh, you speak French now?” I know this sounds ridiculous, but I literally will listen to this song over and over again JUST for this phrase… no big deal that it occurs only in the third line of the whole 4-minute song or anything. It’s the pun that gets me. Ha. I am so ridiculous. (I’m sure you already assumed that I’m listening to the song at this moment).
ANYWAY, I’m not even going to begin talking about what I’ve got going on these days in my jam-packed agenda, that stays in my planner. What I really want to talk about is the inner workings of my mind and how much I realized in this past weekend alone. As I was out celebrating the 21st birthday of one of my most beloved friends, I felt out of place in various settings, yet I couldn’t understand why for the life of me. It really got me down in the dumps. I felt so bad being out of my element when all of my friends were having fun all around me and I felt my mind wanting to escape and be on its own. After dwelling on it for a couple days and being totally frustrated with myself, I’ve been able to channel it in a way so that I remember to be thankful that I have people around me who take me as I am and still shower me with love and affection no matter how difficult I can be. Moreover, I’ve actually come to embrace that part of me that feels so different from everybody else, and in a sense, I love myself all the greater for it. Sounds cheesy but it’s better than wallowing in self-hatred and criticism. God knows I don’t need that right now… Nooo, I really do not.
Tonight was a pretty impactful one. We had our final staff meeting for the year, and my last one ever as an RA. They gave us gifts, letters of appreciation and affirmation, and the sweetest words mixed with tears and laughter. What a staff, what a journey… And additionally, they returned our letters that we wrote to ourselves during Fall training in August and Spring training in December. I was shaking with joy as I read the letters I wrote to myself. I wish I could show you all; it’s kind of amazing how far I have come in the past nine months. Even with all the negative self-talk that I sometimes fall prey to, I am proud of everything I’ve endured to be the person that I am today. It will always be difficult to see my true worth, as I do dabble in spots of insecurity, but I’m getting better at recognizing what I deserve and what makes me happy in this life.
What a perfect transition to my next train of thought. In the past few months, I got to know somebody who I thought was pretty much everything that I should look for in a partner… but long story short, that quickly ended, and I was deduced to confusion and wondering where the hell it went wrong if everything seemed so “perfect.” I was pretty down about it, if you want to know the truth. I was on the brink of cross-examining myself and figuring out what I did wrong or why I wasn’t enough or why I wasn’t worth fighting for. It was going to get ugly and unhealthy, but all it took was one individual to remind me that I can be appreciated, and that I AM appreciated. That I am worth that late-night, heart-pouring conversation at 3:30 in the morning. That after months of not speaking, and I was sure they’d forgotten about my love and care, that I would still be the person they found comfort with during dark times. That I am somebody worth confiding in and showing vulnerability to (“I realize that you are the first person that I have come to fully appreciate“). As I sat there with my friend, remembering how much I truly cared for them and realizing that they also genuinely cared about me, I realized that it was pointless of me to dwell on a person who could not see me for all that I was worth. If somebody makes you doubt yourself and fails to see the love that emanates from your bones, then they never did deserve your time, honestly. I am thankful for the people in my life that allow me to see with wider eyes in a world that can quickly leave you foggy with self-doubt and keep you in the dark. I never want to be kept in the dark, ever again. I’m worth so much more than that, and I’m glad I caught it before any damage was done.
Knowing myself, I will probably wake up tomorrow (or today) morning, remember that I made this post, and frantically try to revise grammatical errors and sentences that just don’t make sense. Or I may delete this post altogether, who knows. But I as exhausted as I am (it is 3:19), I really wanted to put it out in the universe that I’m staying afloat through the motions of the oceans and all this madness. It probably helps that I’m making a stronger effort with my faith again, because I admit that I did get a little lost for a short while. It’s all good now, and if not, it will be. I have full confidence that things will fall into place. They always do.
As usual, EGBOK.