To be enough.

“Be kind to others, but always be compassionate to yourself.”

That was my tea fortune for Sunday, February 19, 2017. It struck home today, particularly because I am in the process of taking care of myself. Well, I’m always trying to take care of my well-being, but lately I’ve been having difficulty with accepting the negativity that I feel and making sense of myself. I am currently trying to figure out how I can be most kind to myself, because I do believe I deserve it.

Dictionary.com defines compassion as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.” I do not think I’m suffering in the way that anybody needs to worry about me, but I am suffering in the sense that I feel a heaviness within me that I don’t understand. And it’s a tedious thing, to try and understand ourselves, and why we feel the emotions that we do. I thank God everyday that I don’t have to go through this journey alone… through prayer, therapy, and love from friends, I am able to get through this. Failure is never an option. What was it that John Lennon once said? I think it was, “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” I’m not sure if he actually said that, but it makes a lot of sense to me. We’re not stopping anytime soon.

I must always remind myself to be compassionate and kind to my soul. I am a tender, sensitive creature that needs a lot of reassurance and love, but I need to be able to give myself that. I hate these nights where I am laying in bed and I feel so small. Cringing. Doubting. Wanting to cry and write but I just pray myself to sleep. Feeling afraid that I am too much for others. That ultimate fear of being difficult to love. It sounds silly, especially because whoever is reading this probably loves me in some way, and it is probably hard to understand where I’m coming from. And that’s okay, I recognize that this fear is irrational… but so completely real to me. It is greater than my fear of earthworms… let’s just put it that way.

I wish I was simple. I wish I didn’t have the ability and burden to overthink every little thing. To dwell in that momentary happiness instead of worrying about the next minute.

But I am not simple, and I must accept that and learn to love that. I am thankful for compassion because it allows me to look at myself and say, “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay. You are enough.”

I am enough. More than enough.

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