A Glimpse of a Neurotic Mind

Be still my soul by AMJMade on Etsy:

I don’t like days like this when my mouth feels like it’s glued shut, and that’s probably because my brain is afraid of letting toxic thoughts flow out and hurt innocent feelings. These are the days that I want to escape and avoid the company of others because their presence makes me feel lonelier than ever; odd excuses that don’t really make sense get thrown out just so I can leave as fast as I can with no intention of looking back. I don’t like these days when mundane tasks feel more challenging than taking an exam, as if getting up from the couch feels heavier than ten bricks on my back, and only Bright Eyes can really understand why taking a shower feels like I’m drowning. These are the days when all positive thoughts are mere shadows looming in the background but I can’t see them because my fog lights are too dim… So I swim, swim through these suffocating thoughts of why can’t they wait? why is she laughing, it isn’t funny, why is she laughing? why aren’t you thinking about how that makes him feel? why do you complain about the things that people would cry to even touch? why can’t you be a reflective, thoughtful, caring human being? why do you speak to me like that? why are you hurting me? But I don’t mean it. I don’t mean to be so judgmental and criticize the people that I encounter. I’ve learned to give others the benefit of the doubt, but these are the days when it all gets too much and people make me very sad. I am sometimes disappointed by the lack of consideration towards others… and so follows this urge to do something reckless just so I can run far, far away from the corruption of morality and escape the burning questions of why people become the people that they are. Why some people can easily hurt you or me and why you or I can easily become hurt. Why is it that they do not see what I see, why they can’t touch the ground so to place their feet in the shoes of others? It hurts my soul… it really does. I wouldn’t be sitting here in silence and pain if I didn’t truly feel the repercussions of ignorance and the weight of what I see in the eyes of those who have been taken for granted. I take it too hard, even when it isn’t even directed at me. It might be because I expect so much more out of humanity; I expect all of you to support and care for each other the way that makes this world the opposite of what that insensitive jerk Christopher Columbus thought it was shaped. If I knew where to begin besides in my own skin– if I knew where to even start building a wall of peace instead of one that tears people apart– if I knew how to show people that God has blessed all of us with an overflowing heart– if I knew how to take one and one to make two hands that grasp onto each other with all the genuine love pulsating through their veins… I wouldn’t ask for anything more.

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