“You know what sucks? Realizing that everything that you believe in is complete and utter bullshit” -Tom, 500 Days of Summer
This quote from one of my favorite movies resonates strongly with me at this exact moment. No, my life isn’t that dramatic, and not everything that I believe in is complete and utter bullshittery, but I’ve had a rough past few days of self-analysis and incredibly low self-worth. I began to question my mental and emotional stability, and to my extreme disappointment, I realized that my scars haven’t fully healed like I thought they had.
It sucks. It really does. I have gone through two years of growth and learning to love myself. I picked my broken self up from the ground and ran… ran with duct tape to piece myself back together with each step. I took myself on dates, spoiled myself with unnecessary extravagances, prioritized my happiness whenever I remembered… I did so many things for myself and was convinced that I had finally shed the cells of my painful past to make space for thicker skin.
Convinced that I was completely fine being on my own. Convinced that I have learned from everything that I endured. Convinced that I was finally ready to be in a relationship and embark on a journey with the new and improved me.
But I couldn’t be more wrong. Suddenly, all of those convictions were obliterated and my head was in shambles. I don’t know what triggered it, but I started falling down a slippery slope of overwhelming insecurities, paranoia that I wasn’t good enough, and all sorts of self-doubt and fear. What I suspected to be a slight case of overthinking manifested into a mental instability, and the realization that at this point in my life, I am not ready to be somebody’s lover, for I still, (I type with utmost frustration) still cannot genuinely love myself.
It is so exhausting. God knows how much I’ve written about self-love. Anyone would think that I’d be a pro on it, given how often I’ve preached to my struggling friends about the importance of accepting our flaws and still loving every bit of ourselves. I hate that I seem like I’ve got it all together. I am a young woman that knows how to hustle with my jobs, my studies, and visions in life. I might even come off as confident, because I have full trust in my social capabilities and moral knowledge. I know my goals and I have plans. I have dreams I intend to follow, and I’m not afraid to show it in hopes that I can inspire my peers to follow theirs, too. I really do seem like I’m bigger than any mundane, trivial insecurity, and I believed it…
But, why now? Why, when everything felt like it was finally falling into place? Why, when I was supposed to have such a fun, carefree summer? Why, when I finally got to be with the person that I have had my heart set on for the longest time?
I don’t know. And you know what? That’s okay. Things always happen for a reason. We never really find out what those reasons are until the lessons have been learned and we’ve had the proper time to reflect. After a wasted day of wallowing as a blubbering mess, I snapped out of self-pity and picked myself up again. The only thing I can do is continue this lesson. Keep moving forward with my head up, because I will get through this. It’s going to take a lot of time. A lot of patience. I’ve never been very patient, but I’ve come a long way. Patience is good.
“If something is for you, then it is for you. Don’t worry mamas,” my favorite cook told me today in her beautiful, broken English. And she’s absolutely right. I’m going to try my best not to worry about the future, because the universe will conspire to guide me to where I’m meant to be. We are always where we are supposed to be. Nothing can be forced, especially not love.
So long story short, I’m back on track again. I’m going to spend this summer reassessing my value and self-worth and being genuine about everything that I do. I’m going off the grid; I won’t be using Instagram or Facebook for a while, if ever. I figure that it would be a lot easier to go on my path of growth and reconstruction without feeling the need to share what I’m doing with the world and comparing myself to others in the toxic, destructive way that I commonly do.
I know this isn’t going to be easy, but this isn’t my first rodeo. I know I can do this. I will heal, overcome all my insecurities, and grow. Soon enough, I’ll feel stable and ready to be somebody’s special someone again, and I am so excited… but I can wait.