I tend to meditate on what could be on the other side if I follow my heart to the unknown…
I’m stuck in a little rut where I feel like I haven’t done enough. Similarly to my dear friend Allie’s post, “Itch,” I have bouts of restlessness filled with dissatisfaction and an overwhelming feeling that I haven’t fulfilled my highest potential at this point in my life. It might be selfish of me to feel this way– selfish that I want more, when I have already accomplished so much within the limitations of my life.
But I can’t help it. I can’t shake this annoying thing that’s yanking on my leg. I want to do so much more. I want to travel to all the corners of the unchartered globe. I want to work somewhere else and do something bigger and better for the world besides serve pizza to people who can afford it. Let me serve pizza to people that can’t afford it. Let me devote my life to something other than for my own selfish gain. Something meaningful. I want to look back ten years from now and smile because I have lived my twenties with so much fun and grace intermixed with a joy so pure, one that money wouldn’t ever be able to give to me. I want to move to New York for a little while and sit on those Brooklyn-style steps by a stranger’s front door. I want to meet elephants and show them love, animal to animal. I want to walk miles and miles to Jerusalem. Miles and miles to a faraway well to supply enough water for a village. Miles and miles deep in the Amazon, in the Grand Canyon, in the Sahara. I want to sit in the corners of the streets in San Francisco and write poems for passersby on my typewriter. Bring flowers to all the mothers in a graveyard on mother’s day. Let me give all that I have to chilly backs and dirty feet, because frankly, I don’t need anything in this world.
I’m not sure where this itch stems from. Is it a result of me comparing my life with others’? Or is it because I genuinely believe that God has given me such gifts and tools that I have yet to expose, and don’t know how to? I want to say that it is a mixture of both. I am both inspired and envious of those who can freely travel the world with all the nonchalance one can have… At the same time, I don’t know their struggles. I don’t know how hard they’ve had to work to get to where they are. Maybe they started out like me, and maybe I’m not that far off. And yet, I feel like I’m not making the most of my talents… Maybe I have too high of expectations for myself, but I refuse to believe that because I’ve always known that I can do anything and everything that my heart sets to do.
But here’s the reality: I still have one full year of school left. I’m living in the most incredible area that I can dream of. There are plenty of amazing opportunities and memories that await me in these next few months. Although I am not content, I am happy and grateful for the life that I live. For at least one more year, I’m going to continue to make the most out of the beauty around me… but once I get that diploma, the pursuit is on, full speed.