I’ll be the most loving, passionate, and caring person you might meet, even if you never reciprocate it back. But I can also be the worst, cold-hearted human being that cannot even look you in the face once you hurt me… and it is really tough to live in this shell of a person that has such a big yet unfortunately sensitive heart.
I love to love. My soul is full of passion. I am never, ever lukewarm. The days that are bland and dull are rare and I try to be invisible when I’m not feeling vibrant like that. But most of the time, I’m bouncing off the walls with inexplicable excitement and unconstrained laughter that throws my own self off sometimes (someone once asked, “whose Mickey Mouse laugh is that?” I flushed with embarrassment, but I’m not really apologetic about it at all).
With that being said, this is exactly why I am excited to meet that person– my “rock” who will reassure me that I’m perfectly fine being as ludicrous as I am, and who will love me in the same unbearable, scalding-hot fiery way that I do. How lovely it would be to share this heart with someone who accepts my love and care while showering me with just the right amount of love that I deserve… sounds like bliss.
But as I alluded to my flip-side, I have this tough shell that instantly goes on whenever my feelings have been hurt. It’s scary how easy it is for me to push people out of my life once I’ve realized that they are not who I thought they were to me. And it can get really bad… childish, even. Silent treatments. Inability to look them in the face. Or just completely cutting them off like I don’t need them in my life.
I only react in that way because I care a lot, perhaps a little too much, to the point where even small tiffs can feel like incredibly painful jolts on my heart and little figurative minions go full-speed building a stone wall that will make it hard for me to trust for a long, long time. And it is all very sad to have that harsh, quick reaction of “ok whatever bye get out of my life” because in reality, it isn’t “whatever.” I still do care and I always, always will. I love for a lifetime, you know.
However, I do forgive… it may take a while, but I always do, no matter how hurt I feel. But sometimes that stony part of me softens up after too long of a time and it ends up being too late to undo the damage and go back to how things used to be. So, often times, I end up wallowing in regret and self-examination, pondering over why I handle things the way that I do. Questioning my emotional processes and dissecting the inner parts of my judgment.
And that’s what drives me crazy and neurotic– I doubt myself and the goodness of the person that I am. Sure, I may be incredibly loving, but is it real love if I can quickly shut people out of my life and not look back for long periods of time?
I don’t know. And honestly, I probably should stop doubting myself, because at least I have a heart that has the capability to care in the way that I do, and that’s better than not being able to express anything. I need to cut the negative self-talk out of my mind and embrace the imperfect person that I am.
So I’ll go on. I’m gonna keep truckin’ and be the self-acclaimed enthusiast that I love to be. I’ll encounter people who may or may not understand me, and I trust that it will all be okay. Lukewarm is no good, anyway.