2015: The Worst (and Best) Year of My Life

The title says it all. Almost a year ago, I brazenly welcomed the new 365 days that are now coming to a close. And boy, did it hit me hard. Full-on at my chest, turned me upside down, shook all the change out of my pockets, and slapped me silly… only to set me down gently on a nice little swing with Christmas music playing in the background and candy raining from the heavens. As December wraps up, I want to reflect on the terrifyingly ugly yet beautiful year of 2015. I’m starting to feel all fuzzy and nostalgic, so let’s get on with this!

Lost more friends than I ever have before, found true ones. Had my heart broken more times than I can even remember, by the same people, over and over. Humiliated. Ridiculed. Hurt. Overcame all the bullshit and recreated a tougher version of my previous self. Said sorry where apologies were due, and meant it. Became an English major. Became an RA, and met my second family, the best support system that I could ever ask for. Learned to love cats after declaring my hate for them. Had the worst singles record of my life, but set a record in the history of HNU Athletics with my team. Traveled to Colorado and Arizona. Hit rock bottom a couple of times. Learned to play chess. Bought a typewriter. Went to my first Giants game. Became a hermit and loved it (still loving it, my OTL lifestyle prevails). Learned to play the uke. Went to my first concert ever. Became a chronic procrastinator for the first time in my life. Fell into the worst shape, but learned how to finally get back into a good one. Got my first-ever bedroom (and bathroom??!!) to myself, and decorated the heck out of it. Spent my first winter/Christmas without my family. Detached myself from Southern California for good. Turned 21. Overcame my alcohol intolerance, then learned that alcohol isn’t actually that great for me. Met a celebrity. Awarded as Female Athlete of the Year. Learned basically everybody’s names in school. Worked in two pizza restaurants. Became a math tutor. Became confirmed. Thought I had something good with somebody, but it disappeared. Finished the HIMYM series. Slowly becoming the humanitarian I’ve always wanted to be, but still so much to learn and do. Wasted too much money on unnecessary things (Target. Enough said). Started Praise & Worship nights. Pushed my guard down lower than I ever have and found myself in a repetitive, unhealthy cycle of mistreatment. Now, loving myself more than I ever have– I am valuable, I am finally my priority. Played tennis with inmates. Became a more silent, introverted individual. Met my childhood crush off of Tinder, then found out that his personality wasn’t my cup of tea. Lost my first family member. Got a gym membership after vowing that I’d never get one. Didn’t swim in the ocean even once. Voluntarily practiced more tennis than I usually do. Finally stopped caring a lot less about what others might think of me. Learned how to dance. Learned to dance in heels. Went to my first club and first bar. Started falling in love with New York. Wasn’t in a relationship after seven years of dysfunctional ones. Stopped believing in tunnel and fountain and 11:11 wishes. Took a ceramics class. Realized that I’ll always remember certain phone numbers and birth dates as much as I’d like to undo them. Read less books. Got a new laptop. Started using face wash. Learned how to cook. Accepted that I will face defeat. Became more rational. Lost so much of my vocabulary and speech skills. Went wine-tasting for the first time. Got hooked on Star Wars. Felt so weak. Grew so much.

What DIDN’T happen this year?

Well, I didn’t get a 4.0. Nor did I take any road trips like I planned to do, and I have yet to meet the love of my life.

But that’s okay. After a whirlwind of a year, I am incredibly excited for what 2016 has in store for me. Now that I have full faith in God, it will only get better. I used to worry like crazy about the future, but I realized that everything always works out. I want to say that it’s like magic because that’s what it feels like, and maybe that’s fitting…

Though I could scarcely fathom His mysterious ways, / Faith means I don’t have to see Your beautiful face. / I know for a fact that in these next 366 days / That my heart is at peace because my trust is in place. 

2016, I am ready for you!


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