Stay Up

 
It has been a really rough two weeks. Bad habits. A messy inclination to overthink. Lost touch with someone meaningful. Broken trust.

I cannot explain to anybody how difficult it has become for me to be my authentic self to many, and it stems from years of neglect and crushed promises and just a few unfortunate situations. Over the years, my amount of friends have dwindled down to a handful, and just as when I feel like I can finally relax and find comfort in those around me, it doesn’t turn out like so and I’m left downcast with disappointment and more confused than ever. In other words, it absolutely sucks when you think you’ve found people that will respect you enough as a friend, who will garner your trust and be someone you can confide in, but then you realize that your friendship to them isn’t as sacred and valuable as you think and you’ve already invested so much time and effort and emotions in them. There’s nothing worse than finding out that someone isn’t what you thought they were and wondering and doubting yourself sick, questioning whether or not everything you’ve believed in isn’t really what is. And loneliness creeps in and you don’t want to trust anybody anymore, don’t want to put yourself out there anymore. It was so difficult to open up… and now you’re back to square one.

It really is a struggle day in and day out to try and uphold myself to the standard that I wish to live by– to be a cheerful, optimistic person, a role model for peace and selflessness, and a positive impact on someone’s life– when everything feels like it’s falling apart. I’m struggling to stay afloat, neck-deep in a sea of negativity that I’m trying to push below me as I keep myself up, but I can’t swim and sometimes I wake up and want nothing to do with what’s outside my door, because each step out feels like another inch of drowning. Today was one of those days…

I don’t remember the last time I was this unhappy. It took a lot of effort for me to smile, but when you’re having one of those days, not even the funniest comedian could get a laugh out of you. I didn’t even feel like visiting Justin today, and that’s been my staple go-to when I want someone to joke around with. But the gloom from yesterday’s sky seeped into me and it just really all sucked, and I couldn’t wait until the day was over so that I could go back to being a hermit in my little room.

But it all changed when one of my best friends, Cookie, texted me and asked me to meet with her after class… and then presented me with a bouquet of sunflowers. My favorite…. I was speechless. Stunned. My heart started swelling up. Just when I was feeling really sorry for myself and wanted nothing more than to get away from everything, I got a slap on the face and was forced to sit up straight– I was reminded that I am still loved, and always will be, even when I don’t feel or see it. Despite the toughest days, God makes sure that I am not alone. He knows my heart and surprises me with grand gestures of love to match it.

And I am so grateful. My senses still feel numb from the kindness of my friend. She reminds me that I’ve got to value and really appreciate what I’ve got left, even though everything else has fallen to shit. And more often times than not, what you have left is what’s best for you anyway, because they’re still with you even through the worst.

I will always be surprised and appreciative of the beauty of humanity. Although people can really hurt you and make you feel some type of exhaustible way, they can also be so very lovely beyond measure. The toughest days require constant reminders of patience and perseverance and to keep an open mind, and it definitely won’t be easy. It’ll feel like everything’s slipping through your fingers, but there will always be something left. And it’s probably perfectly imperfect, but hold on to it tight… don’t think twice.

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