I’m not quite sure how long it’s been since I’ve left Southern California, but it feels like ages. Part of it is because I’ve been so wrapped up in my own world– being an RA, an athlete, a tutor, a member of a couple organizations, and a student. But besides those roles, I’ve also been wrapped up in my own mind. I feel like I’ve hardly had time to myself (this is one of those rare moments where I’m alone in my room), yet at the same time I feel like I’m on my own. It’s a really weird feeling/balance, or maybe more like imbalance, but I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on certain things and I’ve come to the conclusion that Los Angeles has become foreign to me. The places, the people, everything as a whole… And I’ll admit, it all stems from the lack of love that I felt when I went back this summer and I found myself eager to escape and leave “forever” once again.
It’s something that I can’t really even flesh out very well myself because how I feel about SoCal is just so complex. Don’t get me wrong– I have family and a couple of friends that I would never trade for anything in the world, but other than those that genuinely care about me, I think I’m at a point where I’ve emotionally let go of all my ties to everything else. There’s no desire to go back. No yearning to pick up where I’ve left off with others. And I think that’s okay, because everybody has their own lives that they must deal with, and unfortunately, some things will inevitably slip away.
I’m pretty shocked at this change that I feel within. I have always been a sensitive, highly-emotional person, so to feel almost numb towards something that used to be a big part of my life is so strange. I think I’m developing into this being that I am because of the tribulations and struggles that I’ve had to deal with as an RA… Sometimes, I have to let go. I’ve got to have thicker skin. Accept life and whatever it throws at me. It is what it is.
With all that being said, I haven’t and will never ever forget my roots. I appreciate everything that I went through in Southern Cali because all those moments, wonderful relationships, and way of living have shaped me to be the individual that I am. There is no bitterness nor contempt, I simply feel like it’s time to focus on the present and devote myself to the few that love me just as much as I love them. And I’m still learning. I’m constantly turning my gears, questioning myself and my goals, checking myself before wrecking myself. Life can change at any given moment and there’s no use in dwelling in the past. It goes on.