Scatterbrain of Thoughts

I’ve been very, very pensive for a week or so. I feel almost trapped in my own mind and I cannot do anything else but think about everything that’s happening, flipping each thought over multiple times. But it isn’t bad at all– I think that I really needed this, because I’ve been feeling like life is moving a bit too fast for me and I need to slow it down with a lot of introspection. Thankfully, I’ve had ample time with all the running that I do, being kitchen prep at Pieology and quietly making dough the whole evening, and almost every night when insomnia creeps up on me and keeps me company. I know that having too much quiet time can eat a person up, but luckily I’ve been using it in a crafty way to organize the crazy hullabaloo that I call my mind. These three topics have been the occupants of the busy, bustling motel in the folds of my brain: faith, relationships, and friendships. Truthfully, I could probably write three separate blog posts about these topics, but I think you and I would be brain-dead by the end of those. But without further ado, please join me in my effort to gather all these scattered floating balloons of thoughts…

  • Faith.

At the end of my run yesterday, I came upon a Catholic church and immediately, I felt strange. Not in a bad way, but like in a “I’ve-missed-you-so-much,” glowy-heart type of way. I’ll admit that religion does not come to me naturally. If I stray away from church or praying or anything pertaining to my faith, it is easy for me to let myself go and temporarily forget about the most important thing in my life. So after not going to mass since I’ve left Holy Names, I felt a rush of sweet nostalgia and I was reminded of how far along I’ve come. I’ve transformed into a better person that can handle the pressures of life a lot better and all because I put my faith in the right hands. I’m excited to go back to Oakland and get involved with my parish community again, and continue to pursue amelioration.

  • Relationships.

“I think relationships in general are over romanticized like at the end of the day I’m pretty sure a good relationship is just two people who know how to hang out and talk to each other not whether or not they can right all your wrongs or paint a picture of a thousand suns with the breath from your lungs or some shit”

After reading this quote on Tumblr, I had a total epiphany and all I could say was “woah.” As crude as it may be to some people, the writer surely got to the point. And honestly, this quote put my life and my beliefs into perspective. WHY have I been so hooked on the notion that I must only seek those relationships that I see on social media, those “perfect” Disneyland-going, gondola-riding, sunset-watching, monthaversary-celebrating, breakfast-cooking, hopeless-romantic-mushy-gushy couples?? WHY did I believe that any other form of relationships aren’t good enough for me, and that I won’t be happy with them? WHY does there have to be titles or labels or social constructs of what a relationship is supposed to be, when I can be one thousand percent completely happy without any of those…? I may never know the answer, but I can certainly change the way I see things. After talking to many people and observing relationships and looking at MY own past, I can safely conclude that those labeled, romantic relationships don’t necessarily equate to happiness. You can do all those great, fancy, special things with somebody but if behind the scenes of that instagram picture, you fight more times than you wish you could or there’s no passion or spark between the two of you, then was it really all that special…? From personal experience, I can tell you that those material things weren’t enough for me, and I felt almost as if I was trying to deceive and force myself to believe that I was totally happy by posting a perfect photo… but I wasn’t, and I don’t know why I’ve let myself return to that unhealthy state of mind. It might be because seeing couples all around me have distorted my own breed of thinking (I guess those instagram photos really are powerful)…. but I’m glad this quote came in the nick of time to slap me upside the head and get back into gear. If someone makes you happy or comfortable and it’s just boatloads of fun with them, why question that? That’s right, you shouldn’t. Don’t complicate your blessings.

  • Friendships

Friends come and go. That’s the truth of the matter. They’ll only stay if you both want to keep each other, right? They also say that you find out who your true friends are when you’re in college. I’m in college and I’m more confused than ever. There are people who you connect with due to similar interests, partying and adventures, or obligations. And then there are those people that you just have an inexplicable connection with and you have nothing in common but you hit it off right away. Those are the ones that will treat you like they’ve never been apart from you all those years. To me, those are the ones that I value the most because there’s no explanation needed for why we are the way we are. I appreciate everybody who has touched my life in some way. I’m grateful for the friendships that shaped me to be the person that I am… and here’s the thing: in high school, I was not the greatest friend. I was probably a terrible friend because I didn’t realize the value of a true friendship. But over the past few years, I’ve put in more effort than I ever have in expressing my love and care for those that mean so much to me, and it’s disappointing when that love is taken for granted, and I don’t deal well when I am taken for granted… If you know me, I am quick to cut things off when I feel like I don’t know what to do anymore. That’s a major flaw of mine that I’m still trying to work on, but for the meantime, I’m still learning. Right now, I’m definitely having trouble with where to place my trust and how vulnerable I should let myself be and being afraid that I won’t be understood. It’s really tough, and I try not to let it eat away at me, and I’m absolutely thankful for the friends that have reached out to me this summer, even if we didn’t have the chance to hang out. As you can see, this topic is all over the place. I can’t even wrap my head around one specific part of this subject and I’m just jumping around everywhere. But I hope to be a better friend to everybody else that is and will soon be in my life.

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