Sometimes, I forget.
When I read novels, especially about romance, I forget about reality and unknowingly, I let myself live vicariously though the characters. I am the reserved, quiet girl who is in love with the most popular guy in school and for some strange reason the stars aligned and he loves me back. I am the middle-aged woman who suffers from heartbreak because she was trapped in a loveless marriage for so many years, but I’ve ran away to pursue my happiness and I’m not looking back. I am that young woman with an awful reputation because I’ve dated more guys than I can count– but they don’t know that my deep-rooted insecurities need a heart to latch on and those broken relationships keep me going. I am all these people fiddling with all types and shapes of love and I lose myself between the lines of the pages and I forget who I am until it’s over. During the moment when I’m fully submerged in the novel, I’m unequivocally ecstatic, floating on cloud nine… but it’s actually quite sad, because once the book is over, I wake up from my reverie and I remember that my life is not a beautiful love story. It could be, and I wish it was, but right now it isn’t.
And this is only a glimpse of the struggle of a hopeless romantic. Time and time again, I have tried to give it up. Shoot, I even made a blog post about that! But it truly is in my Pisces nature to be in love with the idea of love… and consequently, I have a skewed misunderstanding of the world that everything exists as a preliminary course to a grand romantic tale in my life. It sucks, to tell you the truth. It sucks being disappointed by the expectations and little hopes that my own mind fabricates– it’s as if it thinks that I can control my own destiny and make someone fall in love with me at a coffee shop the moment I sit down with my latte and open a book. It’s nuts, but throughout the years, I have learned to deal with my wild daydreams.
But it doesn’t mean that I don’t forget about reality once in a while (if “whiles” meant brief seconds…). I can’t help thinking with my heart and push my emotions to the tipping point. Sometimes I feel like it’s either all or nothing; either I feel this moment completely with the highest saturation, or I shouldn’t even be in the moment at all. Kind of like tonight– I had this urge to just chop off my hair, spontaneously out of the blue, and it was either I do it at that exact moment or don’t do it at all in the near future. And I knew I had to do it. Just like how I know I have to follow through with strong feelings when they come up. Because in my mind, there will be so many blossoming opportunities present once I take a leap, and to not know or feel the extent of the hope that results from following my heart… well, that would be like ripping out a page from the beautiful love story of my life.