If there’s one thing that I aspire to be in my immediate future, it is to be completely unapologetic about who I am and the elements that compose my whole. I have always been a super sensitive, highly conscious being– I can sense how others in close proximity are feeling and I can read a person’s mannerisms and characteristics within a short period of time. It’s something that I inherited from my mother, and it really could be a blessing or a curse; blessing because I can be gentle with people’s feelings and know how to handle situations, and curse because it can really put a strain on myself to constantly be thinking about how other people think and feel at any given moment.
And because of this, I apologize a lot. The word “sorry” utters out of my mouth probably as much as “please” and “thank you” do. If I send a message that is way longer than the norm. If I’m trying to tell a fellow employee not to chew gum in front of a guest or be on their phone during their shift. If someone’s waiting to use the restroom after me. If I’m just asking a question. Really. I apologize for basically being of any minute inconvenience to anybody, and most times, those are things that come naturally to me and make me who I am. I know there are times where I acknowledge that I am at fault (which usually happens when my sensitivity becomes fuzzy and I hurt people’s feelings without realizing it) and apologies are in due course. But when it comes to the things that make me who I am, I don’t think I have to apologize for them anymore.
I follow rules because I don’t like to get in trouble… I can’t apologize for not being a badass and I am who I am. I ask a lot of questions because I like to get things straight and save myself the trouble of scrambling backwards in the future. I send text messages that are long and detailed because I like to make sure that my recipient completely understands the emotions and ideas that I’m trying to convey… and I should not feel dumb after they reply with a one-liner after I’ve written a paragraph. I thoroughly enjoy going to church. I love to wear clothes that are way, way too big for me and sometimes I can go days without brushing my hair and it turns into a lion mane-esque thing that I comically enjoy. I am deeply passionate about music that many people would screw their faces up upon hearing, but I won’t let that abash me any longer. My OCD and germaphobia will not allow anybody to step on my rugs with their shoes on or sit on my bed if they’re dirty. I have a weird fixation (or quirk, to put it gently) with laying down on carpet and putting my nose as close to the air conditioning as I can when it first turns on (that’s my favorite smell in the world)… because those objects were privileges that we couldn’t afford to have in the Philippines; now, enjoying those luxuries is a priceless feeling. I do like to laugh, a lot, and throw in my own lame jokes and puns, but during times that I don’t find something funny, I don’t want to front and fake a smile anymore just so I don’t hurt their feelings or be the odd one out. I am entitled to the type of humor that I enjoy, and I shouldn’t be judged by it. I am fiercely emotional as one can get; I can’t apologize for letting my emotions run like a river through me, prompting me to write soliloquies that profess deep feelings. There is a reason why I feel the strong emotions that I do, and God has blessed me with the ability to decipher my thoughts and feelings and transform them into beautiful words of honesty and truth.
I want to be utterly, sincerely, and one thousand percent unapologetic about who I am. That does not mean I’ll start being selfish– the only time it’s okay to be selfish is with matters of the heart (but that’s another blog post, coming soon perhaps)– but other than that, I will still be considerate and thoughtful of how others feel. It’s not like I can just switch off that part of me that discerns how others feel at a one-hundred-foot radius; that will always be a part of me. And maybe saying sorry to people is a habit that has transformed into an attribute, too… But that’s something I have to change because I understand how powerful an apology is. Saying sorry all the time will slowly take away from its significance like the boy who cried wolf– they’ll start calling me “the girl who exasperatingly apologized.”
This is all a part of my ongoing work in progress of building a wall of self-confidence and breaking down that barrier of insecurities, loathing, and doubts. I know I am not a perfect person, but neither is the person beside me, and the next. We all exist to learn to mend each others’ imperfections and mold to be capable of interacting with everybody’s different qualities and personalities. I am a free-spirited old soul that couldn’t care less about wealth (have I ever blogged about how it’s my life goal to open up a bakery–but plot twist–all of my delicacies will be free?? Yes, free!), and I just want to travel and write a novel about finding love in the chase for every sunset in the world. I am complex and ornate just like you, yet simple all at once. But before anybody else can accept me, I need to accept myself. And starting now, I wholly do. And this time, I’m not sorry about it.