I love baking. It’s a hobby that I’m on the pursuit of mastering, and I continually discover fine techniques that (in some weird way) has -so far- allowed me to see life in a whole different spectrum. I guess when I bake, I learn about tempering with the natural chemistry of the ingredients and acquire a great deal of patience. It slows me down and forces me to let things process. I didn’t realize this trend until a couple of years ago, and now I am fully aware that I turn to baking when I feel gloomy or upset and I don’t want to talk to anybody. It has become my creative outlet. I sort of pour my emotions into my concoctions and the results of the ingredients from my heart becomes therapeutic for me, and I don’t even eat what I make. It feels weird to do that.
Today, just like the past few days, I woke up feeling glum and unhappy, and I wasn’t at all surprised that this afternoon I had a strong urge to bake peanut butter cookies. I felt a lot better, especially with the help of a sweet friend who listened to the heavy frustrations and worries that I’ve been holding in. I associate baked goods with happiness, so when I put my sadness into baking, out comes delicious joy and a little stress relief.
In my previous post, I mentioned that it has been a life goal of mine to open up a bakery in San Francisco, and I’d have cute little pastries and the fanciest macarons, and even simple feel-good baked goods like peach cobbler and apple pie– and each one would be named after a friend who enjoys that particular baked good (i.e. “Nutty Nessa” would be pistachio macarons, dedicated to my wild, dear friend Vanessa). But there is one catch: everything would be free. Now, I know that sounds silly. But I don’t feel right to profit from people when I’m gaining happiness from their gastronomical pleasures. It makes me happy to share something that I love to do with people, and it would feel almost like a crime to charge them. Maybe I’ll have a tip jar, if they like, just to compensate for the ingredients. But that’s just a dream; we’ll see.
Anyway, I really needed this today. And sometimes, it gets hard when people around me are being negative when I’m trying to stay upbeat and positive. What they don’t know is that perhaps my unrealistic optimism is what’s locking my sanity in place at the moment, and I need to keep afloat as much as I can to prevent from drowning in the sea of deep, dark thoughts that my mind comprises. One can only tread for so long… and I’ve never been much of a swimmer.