Hangin’ it up

relationshipsaremessy

Time and time again, I lose sight of myself and my goals for the immediate future. I forget that I’ve been doing really well on my own– although loneliness sometimes creeps in, I’ve been so good with embracing my “Miss Independent” lifestyle. I do think that it is my nature to give everything a shot… such as that certain gut feeling that I have previously mentioned. The hopeless romantic in me does her happy dance at the initial thrill of meeting someone new and great and whispers to me to go for it. It’s really inconvenient to have the mindset of “this new person might just be my Prince Charming and if I don’t try it out then I might lose out on everything.” Even if I don’t want to think that way, those thoughts are automatically planted in my mind, and I do understand that diving headfirst without looking back can produce a lot of self-destruction and emotional issues… So I think it’s time to hang that “hopeless romantic” title up.

Like Summer says, relationships are messy. People’s feelings get hurt. The destination seems to be almost always heartbreak city and I’ve fallen so many times on my butt that getting up just gets harder and harder every time. You’d think I’d have thicker skin by now, but really I’m so lucid that you can see my blood cascading through my veins and my feelings seem to seep through my pores and it is so evident. So evident that I swoon so easily when the signs seem like they align to form new constellations of my heart beat patterns and that maybe it means something more than a lapsed pump of my ventricles…

But it’s time to give that all up. That give-you-all-my-loving, heart-on-my-whole-damn-outfit-because-my-sleeve-just-isn’t-big-enough type of way. This mentality has hurt me so much because it opens up a whole new realm of expectations that are bigger than I can handle. Those expectations feel like a slow-spreading disease that I can’t shake nor control and it scares the crap out of me that everything is a product of my own mind. Father Sal gave me the best piece of advice last semester when I felt like I hit an all-time low– “Your priority at this age and time should be to be the best student that you can be. Only 1% of the world’s population get to attend college, so take advantage of this opportunity.” He is so right. There’s no way that I can dedicate all my time and focus on schoolwork and upholding the standards that my tennis scholarship entails if I mess around and fall in what may seem like love. I need to stay motivated in my studies like I used to be able to do and quit slacking off. I also need to prioritize my spiritual relationship. No, I don’t need to. I want to. So badly. As someone put it, I am so hungry for God’s love and grace and I need all of me to fully appreciate Him. And being with somebody would make that vision harder if they don’t push me to be the best Christian that I can be. I love God too much to give up everything that I worked hard to build. School, tennis, God. Those three things must be my priority right now and nothing else and I am reminded over and over again every time I touch down from cloud nine and I realize what I’ve been neglecting.

But it won’t be easy. Even as I type this my heart misses so badly that person that I felt a deep connection with. But there is a time and place for everything and I have to revel in the beauty of my own world and embrace my happiness. Life has been so good to me, and although I do try my hardest to be good to myself (especially with my strong “treat yo self” mentality these days), putting myself through the pain of a relationship just isn’t the best thing for me right now. I’m the biggest daydreamer I know and I can spend hours envisioning what I want in life but I think it’s time to snap out of it and be a bit more realistic and focus on what’s on my plate for the time being.

Egbok.

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