This feeling of loneliness is hard to escape, especially when I’ve got two beautiful people that I am quite fond of holding hands in front of me. I am tired of being left hanging. My biggest problem is my crazy mind that envisions the next twenty years with a person upon a few moments with them. It’s ridiculous, preposterous, and just downright crazy. It’s as if all the romance novels that I have ever read have cumulated together to form some sort of super-annoying sector of my brain that fogs my sense of logic and reason. You don’t know how hard I try not to have expectations and anybody who tells me that I can easily just tell myself to stop, is wrong. I can’t change who I am and that part of me is unfortunately here to stay. But I have to keep reminding myself over and over again to love myself love myself love myself first. Not that I do not already but it has to be at the point where I know exactly what’s good for me and that “enough” will never be. I deserve to be loved just as I love myself.
Note to self:
Stop looking for misfit romance that won’t last. Stop looking for muses for poems about heartbreak– they don’t deserve the love that you pour with the words that you piece beautifully together. Stop giving every person that shows any remote interest in you a chance– it’s okay to say “sorry but you’re not good enough for me.” Make them eat their hearts out. You are worth the fight and the sleepless nights. You are worth waiting for. It’s okay to be alone, to not have the crevices of your fingers filled with those of another. I know this will always be a tough battle for a hopeless romantic like you that is in love with love– yes, I know you are love’s biggest fan but you just have to keep fighting Discouragement who tries to push you to the ground and Desperation who entices you to steal hearts that don’t belong to you. Being on your own develops independence and you are doing so great. Don’t listen to your negative thoughts– you really are doing great. The fact that you can eat, study, and sleep by yourself and that you dress for nobody else but yourself is living proof that you’ve certainly made strides. Now envision yourself ten years from now, out of med school, as strong and independent as ever and being in love with your life in the heart of the Bay. You are capable of blooming as wide and bright with or without someone who will open doors for you and make you sick with butterflies. So just keep going, okay? Be the strong, intelligent, and capable woman that you would want your daughter to be. Egbok. I love you.