Two days ago, my sister and I got in a car accident and luckily, nobody was injured. However, it’s bone-chilling to think about how a matter of two seconds could have taken our lives… As an emotional and extra sensitive person, I surprised myself that I didn’t shed a single tear when it happened. I think I was shocked, things were happening so fast—a black blur coming towards us from the corner of my eye, people helping the other driver get out of his car, then 911 coming, everybody rushing from their homes and asking us if we’re okay, and my poor baby sister crying her eyes out… It keeps on replaying in my mind and I’m all too traumatized to drive any longer. I am still shocked. We just wanted to go to the tennis courts and practice together, and instead of a good workout I’m left with a plate piled high with stress and worry.
However, the feeling of relief is paramount. The fact that my sister and I are alive and well hits me like no other and I thank God so much that we drove our van instead of my tinier compact car. This overrides the stress that I’m feeling over this whole situation. I’ll ride the bus every day for the rest of my life if the trade-off is having my sister still breathing in this world. When we collided, the first thing I did was hug her and tell her over and over again that it was going to be okay. Even though I do not believe that it was my fault at all, I feel a sense of guilt that I instilled in her a traumatic experience and that she’ll always have that fear when a car is going to make left turns.
Nonetheless, this whole incident pulls me to two opposing poles and I can’t decide if I’d rather stay at home in safety with my family or run off to the bay and momentarily forget about my problems. I definitely cherish my time more with my family and for this reason, I don’t feel bad at all that I am forced to cancel all my future plans of catching up with old friends (lack of a car and money), if it means being rest-assured that my parents and siblings are rising with the sun daily. But at the same time, I just want to leave. Take off to Oakland where I can evade lawyers and insurance agents and fear. I am almost too ashamed to say these things for I know I sound cowardly, but I hope everybody else can forgive me for feeling these human emotions.
I feel like I might be developing an existential crisis, as ridiculous as it sounds. I’m suddenly extremely cautious about the fine line between life and death but I know the more I think about it, the less I’ll enjoy life, and I don’t want to jinx myself, so do you see my struggle? I’m upset about how easy it is to lose somebody that you love; with the blink of an eye, they can be gone. I wish God made it harder for us to be wiped away from this physical life… and I do not even want to begin that train of thought about what the purpose of living is if we are all destined to wither away in the end—such morbid thoughts don’t belong on paper (or in my case, the computer screen).
But if I pull myself together, and (alas) I look down at my mug and discover that, indeed, it is half full of whatever tea I’m having tonight, I start remembering that God is always on my side. God is the true blooming hero and source of my happiness. Jesus really does take the wheel and I’ve got nothing to worry about. But I won’t be happy if I don’t trust in Him—whatever plan He has for me, it’s going to be for the better. Blessings are disguised with fear and difficulty… I just tend to forget that nowadays.
I know we all have our mountains to face and conquer and as beautiful as the holiday season is, there are always rocks beneath all that snow. Problems and hardships are endless, but I just want to offer up to everybody that all our problems aren’t so bad if we think about how much worse it can all be. Your eyes are still blinking, your nails are still growing, and you are still capable of sharing your heart with someone and giving them the love that we all deserve. So it’s not that bad, okay? Recognize that the air is crisp or heavy or fresh or whatever wherever you are, and that oxygen is yours for the taking. You and I are still here. We’re going to be okay. God’s got our backs. EGBOK.
EGBOK– Everything’s Gonna Be OKay