I am overcome with emotion. I am so frustrated. Every negative feeling, emotion, and thought is coming after me right now and my demons are getting too heavy for me to carry and too strong for me to fight off.
Above all, I feel homesick. It’s odd, really. In August, I couldn’t wait to live in the bay, and although I had a ton of fun throughout the semester, I eventually missed Southern California and wanted to be back as soon as possible. But now that I’m back, I miss San Francisco and Oakland already. I’m beginning to think that I don’t have a “home,” that I’ll always feel discomfort and a sense of a certain aching type of longing. It makes me so sad to feel like I don’t belong anywhere; I just want to be somewhere that I can lay down with peace in, and relax. I just want my agitated heart to have a home.
I have my theories. I do believe that if I put my faith into God, He’ll lead me to the exact place that I have been searching for. Or something along the lines of: if I give my all to the Lord then it will be enough to fill my sadness. His love for me would be strong enough to build a home for my heart. I think all these things sound about right, and I wish all that would be enough for me, if it weren’t for the other factors that bring me down.
Everywhere I go, I feel misunderstood. I feel like I either have to talk louder so that someone will listen to me, or modify my speech so that they can understand, or shorten my explanations so that I will be tolerated. In all those ways, I’m not myself, and that’s why I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. Most places that I go to, I feel like I’m already out of the loop; everybody already has their own group and trying to be on the same level as them makes feel like a bother and an intruder. It’s that longing to be accepted and liked that hits me hard and for some reason, I end the day feeling pathetic about myself. I don’t think I have to be trying this hard to make genuine friends.
And then there’s that desire for someone to love me. Not in a platonic way, but in a passionate, romantic, true love kind of way. I really do not think that I have ever felt this—this mutual, I’ll-never-stop-showing-you-that-I-love-you type of love. And I think that is the root of all my homesickness. I feel like a significant other who understands and knows me completely yet still loves me would define “home” for me. I will not hide the fact that being in the city of love, San Francisco, makes me feel lonely like no other. I see couples of different races and orientation and they all look beautiful as they walk hand-in-hand through Pier 39 or share a sundae in Ghirardelli Square. When I sit down and look at the Golden Gate Bridge in admiration, there’s nothing more that I want than to have someone special by my side who feels the same things that I do, too. In every situation or instance, I await for something magical to happen. I could be in the library, in the laundry room, or in the cafeteria, and the hopeless romantic in me is constantly on the lookout for a fairy tale that could possible come true. For example, I was in the terminal today for a couple of hours and I felt like I was in a movie, and that the potential love of my life would come and sit next to me by coincidence, we would spark up a conversation, and the rest would be history. These crazy scenarios are always whirring in my mind and it’s incredibly unhealthy. My heart has its own binoculars and it is always looking around. It makes everything inorganic, unnatural. I know that it will come when it wants to come and probably when I least expect it. But if I am always expecting it, then it’ll never come. And it’s just a cycle of loneliness altogether.
Today, I realized that I don’t want the “casual;” I have never wanted that. There is no way that I can hold somebody’s hand without developing feelings, and doing so with the knowledge that I do not have feelings for that person just feels criminal. It leaves me feeling foul inside, to want to kiss somebody just because my lips have missed the company of another’s. That’s not what I’m about and I need to reevaluate everything. I need to take a step back from all this mounting frustration and listen to the Lord. I need that home. I need it badly. And at the same time, I want my heart to be at peace, because it is the type of heart that wants to love deeply and widely and it is absolutely ready to give its all.
I also need to stop beating myself up for how I look. I am fully aware that I have gained weight, and honestly it puzzles me how I did because I ate the same as before and exercised just as much, if not more. It never did me any good in my past to compare myself to people, because I will just then become one giant ball of insecurities. I can’t allow that to happen; I need to learn to love myself. I talk about how I am so willing to give my heart to another when I cannot even open it up for myself. I need to work on this.
And if there is one thing that holds me back from having the most fun that I can have at Holy Names, it is feeling like I have to watch myself, hide myself from those that I cannot cross paths with, or not knowing who to trust. Once again, my trust has been betrayed and it has hurt me a lot. It’s hard because I trust so easily—I’ll give you my word if you can convince me, and it’ll shock me like no other if you break our promises. It happens so often and now, I’m stuck in a place that I shouldn’t be. I just want all the negativity to go away. Please let it go away. I want to be carefree again.
I am fifty shades of frustration. I’ll work on this.
Do Not Worry
22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
–Luke Ch. 12
Admiring the best view of SF that I have seen so far, from Sausalito.SF from a bird’s eye view. Impeccable. It gives me chills knowing exactly what I am looking at, and pinpointing each light and its place on the map.